The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
