No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
