I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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