the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
