my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
