Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
