I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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