Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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