I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
