new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
