why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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