Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize