she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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