how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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