I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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