We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
