I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize