Apparently you make a good broom.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
