are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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