I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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