After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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