You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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