I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
