im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
