Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
im on a boat
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