I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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