She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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