the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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