Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
