Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
