I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
