she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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