McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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