Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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