I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
