either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
