omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
