I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
