It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
