I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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