I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
