Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
