I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
