dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
