There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She's the barista slut.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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