I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Church boner. Awkwardddd
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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