I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
