I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
