i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
