I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
