I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
