Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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