I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize