Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
