3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
