Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
