I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You ruined the universe
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
