Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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