I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
