That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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