i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
