just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
