I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
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