The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
