he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
