Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
