look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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