I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
