I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I'm passing your future prison.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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