I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize