I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
